The Pride That Wenteth After A Fall

WARNING! This post contains adult oriented subject matter that some people may find offensive. If you are under the age of 18, or if you have very delicate sensibilities, it is suggested that you read no further.

The genesis of this post might be thought of as a reaction to a reaction. My friend Dr O2 created a post, to which my friend Nyx responded with a post of her own, which I, in turn, then responded too. Interesting cause and effect (but not an unusual occurrence in the blogosphere, I think)! :) My response was triggered by a picture of Michelangelo's sculpture of David that Nyx posted. I mentioned to her that I had written a bawdy little story about The David a couple of years ago. Nyx then asked if she could read it. Her positive response has encouraged me to share the story more publicly in a post.

In case you have not seen a full length picture of the famous statue of David, please allow me to direct your attention to this link that also contains some interesting historical trivia about the sculpture (Note: this picture shows the Full Monty...well considering the subject, most of the Monty seems to be missing!). Happy viewing! :D

Actually, the following is not exactly a story, but rather excerpts from a series of emails that I exchanged with a good friend a couple of years ago. I include a brief excerpt of hers because it gives important context to the story. Well, the stage is set, so lets get started!

Me (written to my friend):

When I was in High School, I went on a tour of Italy with my Latin teacher. While there, I saw several of Michelangelo's marble statues. His seated figure of Moses was amazing in its smoothly polished detail. Right down to the veins in Moses's arms. But I was most impressed with his David statue. It was a colossus, 16 feet tall and totally nude. I'll bet that thousands of women in the past 500 years have fainted at the sight of the endowment on that statue! I have read that Michelangelo was gay, and that The David is an image of his young lover (admittedly, this is a controversial interpretation). Well, I think that may very well be possible. The statue of David is like eroticism incarnate. It just shouts youth, vitality, virility! It is, by far, the most impressive work of art that I have ever seen.

My friend:

I've never been to Italy, but that's one of the places I would love to visit, and now with your description of the statue of David its a must see. As far as David is concerned though, I've seen pictures of the statue but I don't recall him being well endowed. As a matter of fact, I was surprised that a big boy like him is depicted as a baby in his genitalia. But then, I think it would've been awkward if Michelangelo had made the statue with something coming down to his knees. Then, it would've been known as The God of Pornographia!

Me:

After I first read your email today regarding The David's economical assets, I began to wonder if my imagination over the years had stretched The David's endowment. So, I started to look for a picture of the statue. I found one, and sure enough, The David has a very tiny protuberance, quite out of scale with the size of his hands. However, his two well rounded companions appear to be of normal size. Ah well, the truth can sometimes be deflating. I'm wondering if Michelangelo, upon completing The David, stepped back from his masterpiece and thought to himself, "Now, my David's nose is not quite right. I had better get up there and adjust it." As he carefully climbed his ladder, hammer and chisel in hand, he neared the top and suddenly his sandal slipped on an upper rung. Momentarily off balance, he instinctively opened his hand to grab the ladder's rail. For a second, it was as if time was standing still. As slowly as thick molasses, the hammer and chisel descended. Michelangelo's head slowly revolved and pivoted downward, his eyes widened, and his mouth opened. The flow of time suddenly returning to normal, the hard steel of the hammer's head impacted squarely upon The David's mighty endowment, severing it cleanly near the base. Michelangelo's open mouth suddenly expelled the words, "Oh my lord Jesus!", as The David's gigantic smoothly polished white marble pride impacted the stone floor and shattered into a thousand little shards. Slowly descending the ladder, with tears welling in his eyes, Michelangelo, the greatest sculptor the world had yet seen, reached out and tenderly scooped the remnants of his David's magnificent manhood into his hands. "Ah well", he said, "David did not slay the mighty Goliath by knowing him to death! May God forgive my arrogance. I shall forthwith refashion the nub like unto that of a male child, that the world and the future may understand the magnitude of the triumph of a boy with naught but a sling and a small stone to defend the honor of a nation!"

Well, that's the story folks. I hope you have enjoyed it! :) Now, before you ask me if this really happened, let me say that what you have just read is a total flight of fancy from my imagination. However, Michelangelo was a very astute observer of the human form. His statue of David is not a representation of a boy. The figure certainly has the musculature of an adult man, while his hands and feet seem acromegalically (try saying that three times really fast :) ) oversized! Yet, there is a profound absence of manliness where one would expect such to be. Perhaps there was a defect in the marble, or maybe the master sculptor did indeed have one of the most stupendous accidents in all of art history! ;)